I am 24 years old and I am craving Rivotril so badly with the sole purpose of overdosing?

I have been on so many meds over the past year. But none have really affected me more than Rivotril and Effexor, because my body cannot tolerate those two medications. But yet, those are the ones I want. I was taken off all meds in April due to too many suicide attempts and hospitalizations, and even at my pharmacy, it is written in my file, not to give me any meds or to fill any prescriptions, but the urge is so intense today. I want those two meds to overdose and die with. I've tried seeing my family doctor, other doctors, and noone will prescribe me anything. I am even willing to fly out of the country to get meds. That should show some level of desperation. I don't know what to do, I need these meds, I need them. I need to die. I need to overdose. The minute I get my hands on these meds, I'm dead, dead dead dead. I need them. What can I do ? I saw a psychiatrist this morning and she's referring me to some outpatient treatment and I shouldnt be seeing her again, unless there's an emergency, I told her about wanting the Rivotril, and she wouldn't prescribe anything. I cried in her offive, bawled my eyes out and I need these meds. I don't know what to do